The Work You Have, The Work You Want, and Confronting Humanness — On a Rainy Afternoon

The morning started out fine. Plowing through the endless to-do list as per plan. Finally sent a high-stakes proposal around noon. Now, waiting for that one potential client to respond to my email. The email I whispered a few Hail Mary’s over as I hit send. The one that could launch a new era of pricing and scope for my fledgling little company. Will they balk? Pluck out my eyes? Accept it?

I get down to work with my PM deliverables. The distraction is probably good. I must dig into the knowns in front of me rather than fixate on the unknowns out there. I’ve got a business to run, everybody! We’re all so used to balancing multiple emotions in the same breath anyways.

But this waiting game is not fun. Even though patience is a virtue — right? Garbage! Nothing about this purgatory feels graceful or virtuous. I liken it more to a swirling cesspool of a Black Hole that gobbles up time and space, forever gone. Done. What a waste. As I sit here and intellectualize the situation, and by situation, I mean stare at my computer for signs of life from the digital ether, I remind myself, “What’s the worst that could happen?” I realize my answer is somewhere between, “They won’t like my proposal and I won’t be able to save this person from a marketing disaster,” all the way down to, “I guess I can’t buy new heels for Steph and Mike’s wedding, although I’ll probably get them anyway.” The point is, my work is intensely consequential.

But my continuous internal monologue is no source of comfort to me now. So, naturally, I suppress my emotions and busy myself with the work I actually have control over. Yep, I’m going to do that. Starting now…Okay, now…Annnnnd, now?

Control, and Other Factors.

Control! Humanity’s savior. People are flawed and foolish and driven by trivial, passing moments. We long for instant gratification, even when richer rewards may be waiting if we create the space to let things unfold as they should. Read: Perhaps the waiting is virtuous after all? Blah — I’m sensing a valuable-life-lesson-that-will-make-me-stronger kind of moment. Gross. However, I can accept that the immediateness of the moment is just too much sometimes to process in a measured and logical way. The overwhelm smacks us upside the head. What choice do we have but to shut parts out in order to function and keep the daily grind in perpetual motion? It’s what’s expected of us, as public displays of meltdown are generally frowned upon. No wonder our collective societal nerves are throbbing.

Virtuosity Returns

So, back to my inbox. Like a Pavlovian dog, I’m still waiting for that golden ping to confirm that there is life out there this afternoon.

My god, I’m better than this. For real, ask my mom.

… …

agghhhhh

… … …

Whatever. I don’t actually care.

… … … …

$%&$ — — — #&$^%^@@@&%%!!!

… … … … …

Ping!