How to Keep Your Job as a Writer When You Don’t Feel Like Writing — in 10 Easy Steps!

1. The blank page is your happy place. Convince yourself it is a reflection of your blank and serene mind.

2. Get happy! Self-affirm that you are the wittiest writer for high-end sportswear the world over. It’s like this stuff writes itself.

3. An unwelcomed emotion is bubbling. Suppress that! DO NOT SHAKE THE CAN.

4. Keep those hands typing at any cost. Recite the motto: When fingers are down, it’s those distractions you can drown. Repeat when necessary.

5. Saunter over to the fridge for a Fun Cup! snack. Repeat when necessary.

6. Examine your progress. Not the best, but you’ve seen worse.

7. Scroll through social media and give that brain a break. Conclude that the entire world is skinny and following some thermodynamic dietary lifestyle while on vacation.

8. Remember to stay humble and honor your insignificance. Your work is shit and so are you.

9. Repeat steps 1-to-8 to hit deadline exactly, just like the emotionally void robot you aspire to be.

10. Reflect on making it through another day. Personal thoughts are no match for your intense relationship with G Suite.

Nailed it. Another session of ignoring real life is in the books. How long can you keep up this routine? Well, how much room’s left in your Dropbox account?

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